Since our Bug was born 5.5 years ago, things have been different. I’VE BEEN DIFFERENT. And I haven’t understood why. I just know that I am not the same person that I used to be. I don’t laugh when you pick me up. I get angry. I don’t just get your clothes off the floor. I throw them and yell, and have a hard time letting it go. Sometimes, I just don’t want to be with you. I just don’t know how to explain it. I am going to try my hardest here. It is the least I can do.
After the birth of each of our three daughters, I have felt so different. Each time a little more so. My frustration level is up, and I could cry at the drop of a dime… Seriously… Not the most flattering thing.
I used to think it was adorable when Bug would climb and want to cuddle. She is so much like you. She does things just to make me feel better. Now, I hardly notice. It has been awhile since I noticed much.
When the girls cry, sometimes I don’t get those mommy feelings I used to where I just want to run and be that comfort that they need. Honestly, at times it just infuriates me. I end up yelling at them. I should be there running up to them kissing their ouchies and healing their sadness.
When they come into our room in the morning to wake me up, I don’t get excited. I get upset because I’m always exhausted despite the fact that I technically get sleep. I love our girls so much that it hurts. It hurts because I know I should be comforting them and enjoying every second. I am aware that they are growing up so fast. I see it. I am with them all of the time. Sometimes I would rather be anywhere but here. At the same time, I could not imagine being anywhere but here.
I feel like I am in a fight with myself all of the time. I miss them when I am with them because I feel like I am not giving them everything they deserve and at the same time I just want a break. I want a break to be alone in a clean home with no diapers to change, no ABC’s to sing and no mouths to feed. There are no words to explain how much I love these girls. They are smart, funny, beautiful and playful. I just want to run away from everything sometimes. And I just don’t know why!
I used to love cooking. I enjoyed figuring out what I was going to make and I would spend hours planning meals, making lists and grocery shopping. Now, we eat out a lot. I cook because I have to. I don’t enjoy cooking like I used too. I don’t enjoy many things the way I used to.
Then, there is you. The most amazing man I have ever known. The person who holds me when I cry (which is literally every single day lately). The guy I met at 14 in a friends basement. They guy whom we had our first daughter when we were 16 and the guy I married at 18. The only guy I have ever needed and yet sometimes I don’t even want to be around you. I may not want to be around you but at the same time, the only thing I want is for you to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. The man who knows how much I have changed and how much it hurts me and how much I want the old me back. The man who has stuck by me and stayed with me through with has been both the worst 5.5 years of my life and the most amazing experience having 3 sweet girls to love. The man who doesn’t hate me for the horrible things I have said knowing I have never meant a word of it. I pick at the smallest things you do. They absolutely throw me into a rage. I know as I yell and get angry about them that I shouldn’t, yet I can’t seem to simmer down despite my best efforts.
The anxiety, guilt, and depression consume me. I know I shouldn’t feel the way that I do but I just can’t help it. I know how I used to feel about you and the girls and everything else and I want to feel it again. I want to BE the mom, the wife and the friend that I used to be again. I worry constantly if other people can see how horrible I am. Can they see that I am struggling? can they see that I get angry over everything and anything?
I don’t know how to communicate with you because I don’t always understand how I feel. Sometimes I want to run away and cry until I turn back into the girl I was years ago. I can’t I have a full-time job of managing our kids and our lives on a daily basis. It is overwhelming to an extent that I cannot explain. It is EXHAUSTING hiding it from everyone. Trying to hide it is impossible. Those who don’t see me behind the scenes, I appear to be either just dropping the ball or crazy and never focusing on one thing.
I want you to know that even when I don’t feel loving towards you and the girls that I love you all so much that I could never explain. I want you to know that there could never be anything more important that you and our girls being happy. If it weren’t for our girls’ smiles and laughs I wouldn’t have made it this far. I know you can’t understand this especially when I don’t. But I want to thank you for being what I need and what I never knew you would have to be for me.
I love you so much.