Dear Husband; I have changed.
I am sorry.
I am sorry that things have not been kosher for the last five and a half years. I am so sorry that you and your needs come second. I assure you, you are still one of my top priorities but the thing is that you are not on the top of my list anymore.
I know that you have needs, as do I. We have needs, wants and dreams. I know we do, but other things just keep getting in the way. When I tell you that I want to be the one that you lean on, I mean it. I know you are annoyed of my excuses of always being tired or having a headache. Trust me, I wish I had the energy I had five years ago. Hell I wish I had the energy I had last weekend when we cleaned out the crawl space and finally organized everything after years of random storage.
I know that some days it feels like we have a business partnership and not a marriage. You are right. Most days feel like this. Please know that I want better for our marriage and for us.
The main problem is this; my brain and my body are so wrapped up in being a mother to these little girls who adore you. Even after they are asleep and we are lying in bed watching a movie, my brain and body are still in mother mode.
I am thinking about tomorrow; I am thinking about 5 years from now. I am wondering if you have enough work clothes for tomorrow. I am worried about money and food. Do we have enough food for lunches tomorrow? I cannot turn off being a mom. It is who I am now. It is physically, emotionally and mentally exhausting.
I do not want you to think you are not as important as you once were. I couldn’t live this life without you and I sure as hell wouldn’t want to either. Unfortunately the simple fact is, you are an adult. You can do things for yourself. You don’t need me to make you lunch, read you stories or wipe your bum after going to the bathroom.
When you come home from work you, unfortunately, are getting the worst version of me. I gave our girls the best. A little secret for you; sometimes there just isn’t a best version of me.
I can’t worry about your health, the girls’ health, and my health. Who do you think gets ignored? It’s not you. It’s not our children. When I say I don’t feel well, when I say I haven’t been sleeping, it’s because I haven’t been taking care of me.
Yes. You tell me to go to the doctor, to eat better, to exercise more, but I am my very last priority. I know I need to change that and I am not complaining. I am explaining that when something has to give, because no one person can do it all, I am that one that gives.
I am worried about your work, your allergies and your stress level. I am worried about Lilly’s asthma, Isabella’s soother addiction and I am worried about Scarlett’s medical needs.
While I am thinking about it, I’m worried that the pile of laundry on the floor is going to get bigger and that the floors need to be washed. I’ll just add that to the never-ending list of things that I will feel guilty about when I am trying to sleep tonight. NONE of this is your fault. I am not blaming you or wishing you were any different.
You do amazing things for our family. You work harder than any person I know. You had a rough start but you have overcome so much. I love you a little more each time I see you help someone knowing you will never get anything in return. You are the most loving father to our children. There is a reason that they cry when you leave for work. Yes, it hurts a little because I am with them all of the time but it fills me with love knowing that you are their role model.
I am not the person who you began dating almost 10 years ago and married almost 3 years ago. I have changed and evolved into a wife, mother, friend and keeper of all schedules. I am a party planner and personal shopper. I am a chef specializing in mac and cheese and hot dogs. I am a housekeeper who can’t keep a house. I am the cheerleader, librarian and the teacher. I am the night and the day nurse.
I wouldn’t change any of it believe me. I don’t want any other life. I love you and the life we have. BUT I am not the fun, spontaneous, sexy school girl you met way back when. I am a mother. It is all of me. It is who I am.